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Top 10 Funniest and Wildest Online Poker Chats

Chat Balloon

Almost every online poker site has it, and we've all used it from time to time: the chatbox. It's so ubiquitous that we sometimes don't even think about it, but the chat feature is an integral part of the internet poker experience. The messages that players type to each other are mostly mundane and unremarkable, but every once in a while, the chat window sparkles with memorable words that bear repeating.

We've conducted thorough research at forums, video sites, poker rooms, and other resources across the internet to bring you the 10 funniest, zaniest, and most unbelievable online poker chat moments in the history of the game.


10Kid Pizza

In the old days of PokerStars, the highest stakes available were but a fraction of what they are today. When the site introduced $100/$200 Limit Hold'em tables that would start Sunday evenings and run until the games broke up, many eager ballers filled the seats and waitlists. Whenever a game stopped, it would be removed from the lobby until the next Sunday.

The only problem with this was that players didn't feel comfortable leaving because they might not be able to get a seat again until much later, and the game might have stopped in the interim. When poker manager Lee Jones popped into chat and inquired if anyone wanted a pizza sent to them so that they wouldn't have to take a dinner break, he was greeted with a chorus of “LOL” from those seated. But Daniel “Kid Poker” Negreanu jokingly said, “Sure, I'll take a veggie pizza with pineapple.”

Imagine Daniel's surprise when about a half hour later, his doorbell rang and he was presented with a vegetarian pizza courtesy of Stars. Not only is this a pretty funny example of poker chat, but it's also a window into how things were at the “old” PokerStars before it was sold to Amaya.

9Time to Move?

It's tempting to make a deposit for online poker even when you have other pressing uses for your money. If you do decide that you can't resist the lure of the virtual tables, though, make sure you don't get caught like this degenerate did:

Chat on Global Poker About Misuse of Rent Money

This image comes to us from Reddit user “wolfdog54” who observed this chat while seated at a 50NL game on Global Poker. Worse than just gambling with the rent money, the hapless “Eric” was accused by his roommate of “losing it on here.” So not only was Eric irresponsible and unreliable, but he also was a talentless, losing donk to boot.

8Isildur1's Game Selection Tactics

Viktor “Isildur1” Blom began tearing up the high-stakes NLHE and PLO games at Full Tilt Poker in 2009, defeating some of the most respected poker grinders around and becoming famous himself. Viktor eventually earned a spot in the site's stable of house pros. Yet, he wasn't content to just stay in place; Blom has always had his eyes open for new games and opportunities to expand his reach. While playing poker at Full Tilt, he confused his opponent by revealing that he had found something better than poker:

Isildur1: brb in a mariokart tourney
SallyWoo: i dont know what that mean, but ok
SallyWoo: young isi, what is this Mariokart you speak of?
SallyWoo: I will not play you hu marioKart……… whatever that is
SallyWoo: Remember Isi that you do work for and represent FullTilt poker
SallyWoo: you know, you are a “professional”
Isildur1: what are u talking about
Isildur1: u dont need to play
Isildur1: im in a mariokart game
Isildur1: more important than this

We eagerly await more word of Viktor's budding MarioKart career. In before bad beat stories of getting tripped up by Bowser's banana peel and then running headfirst into a green shell.

7If I Cover My Ears, No One Can Hear Me Speak, Right?

We have to rely on player reports or, at best, screenshots for most of these online poker chats, but this gem was actually recorded by YouTube user “BallisticBrian.” The events unfolded at a play chip No Limit Texas Hold'em cash game table on Facebook Zynga Poker.

Two players were colluding in the chat box, and they thought that by muting everyone else's chat, nobody could see what they were saying! Several others at the table, kind souls that they were, attempted to alert the cheaters to this fact – but because the wrongdoers had blocked all other players' chat, they could not see these warnings. Given that the two girls, named Kristen and Barbara, were sharing their hole cards in the chat box, and all others could read what they wrote, we imagine their poker session didn't go too well.

This is sooo good because it involves:

[✔] Trying to cheat in play money games
[✔] Failing to cheat in play money games
[✔] Not understanding how chat works
[✔] Inadvertently revealing hole cards to the entire table

6The Bear Truth?

American Randy “nanonoko” Lew and Russia's Timofey “Trueteller” Kuznetsov were gearing up for a session of high-stakes online poker some time during 2012 when, suddenly, “Trueteller” requested a short break. “nanonoko” was against the idea but was caught by surprise when the reason for “Trueteller's” request was revealed:

Truteller's Bear Problems

We can almost feel Randy's incredulity as he asks, “What do u mean by bear…dog?" – perhaps suspecting that his opponent's shaky grasp of English was the explanation for this bizarre situation. But no, Timofey reiterated that it was a bear, a brown bear to be specific, that was roaming around his house.

This raises a number of burning questions that we wish we had the answers to. Was “Trueteller” keeping a bear as a pet? Or did the bear wander in from outside? How did Timofey eventually deal with the bear? Whatever the case may be, this is certainly one of the more bizarre reasons for declining action that we've ever heard of from any online (or live) poker player.

5Chat With the Pros

In the pre-Black Friday days, Full Tilt hired a roster of pros to represent the room and interact with the player community. The poker site maintained a record of some of the chats that these prominent names had with ordinary users. While the complete chat logs are voluminous and mostly boring, there are a few standout one-liners delivered by the Full Tilt Pros:

QUESTION FROM Lexotic22: after suffering a bad beat, or a streak of bad cards, how do you control your frustrations?
ANSWER FROM HuckleberrySeed: toke up

QUESTION FROM helloitsme58: Phil's [Hellmuth] wife is blind isn't she?
ANSWER FROM Jennifer Harman: lol and deaf

QUESTION FROM nestea8: can u beat nl25?
ANSWER FROM Phil Ivey: who is that?

QUESTION FROM kawaiola50: is there a way i can find if my tounament is over
ANSWER FROM Roland de Wolfe: when u have no chips

QUESTION FROM scotto159: what is 2+2??????
ANSWER FROM Phil Gordon: An internet forum where all participants hate me.

QUESTION FROM BGM1: could you ever bluff a godess like shannon elizabeth on pokertable or be gentleman?
ANSWER FROM Phil Ivey: i would bluff my grandmother

QUESTION FROM curtis maxymus: Mike, why is it so hard to have discipline and stay within your limits when you know you can beat the bigger games? I have played higher limits but everytime I do I get bad beat and it kills my bankroll
ANSWER FROM Mike Matusow: welcome to my life lol

QUESTION FROM jane75: hi how do u play razz
ANSWER FROM Roland de Wolfe: like a moron

QUESTION FROM HaterOfTheYear: Jeff, do you own a luckbox, and if so, what does it look like?
ANSWER FROM Jeff Madsen: a luckbox is 3 feet long and multicolored. to unlock it you must pray to the poker gods and face east every night

4Bet KK Into Trup QQ

This entry on our list bends the rules a little bit because it didn't happen strictly within the chat box of an online poker site, but it's so awesome that we felt that we had to include it. It all started when Twoplustwo veteran “that_pope” got an email from eBay in July 2010 saying that he had received a new message. He found the following awaiting him on the eBay website:

Funny Message Left on that_pope's eBay Account

The diligent, albeit spelling-impaired, “newerle” had actually gone to the trouble of looking up “that_pope's” eBay username and talking trash to him in that venue! Things got even more surreal when the hero of this story logged into his PokerStars account to find the following helpful suggestion presented to him:

PokerStars Trolls that_pope

PokerStars representative “HostJacob” later confessed to sending that pop-up, quashing speculation that “newerle” was a PokerStars employee. The entire thread about this subject is worth a read, and it contains quite a few funny Photoshops relating to the incident.

3I Wont Million

In 2012, Marat “maratik” Sharafutdinov, from Russia, was a micro-stakes sit & go player with more than 20 thousand games played at an average buyin of less than $3. He was lucky enough to parlay a 40 FPP satellite entry into a $5,200 ticket to PokerStars premier annual tournament, the WCOOP Main Event.

His good fortune didn't end there. He survived and thrived throughout the tourney, making it to the final six players holding the second-largest stack. That's when discussion of a deal started in earnest. One of the early proposals to split the $4.5M+ prize pool would have seen “maratik” walk away with $800,000: a princely sum for someone who was used to toiling in the sub-$5 games and who drove a cab as his day job. Yet, “maratik” felt that he was being shortchanged and typed the words that made him immortal:

Maratik Holds Out for More Money

Eventually, his opponents agreed to give him $900,000 with $100,000 set aside for first place, allowing “maratik” the opportunity to score $1 million if he won the tournament. He accepted and then proceeded to trounce his adversaries and ship the event. He “wonted” million, and he got it while spawning an internet poker catchphrase at the same time.

2TAKE MANEY, THE F DO

After losing to a hit-and-runner during a 2008 match on PokerStars, twoplustwoer “lolepicfailimo” posted a thread that documented the astounding plan his adversary then proposed to him in the chat box. It reads, in part:

totibani: LETHS MAKE A TEAM
totibani: YOU WANT
totibani: SERIOS
totibani: ?
HERO: a team?
totibani: YES
totibani: YOU AND ME
totibani: GO ON THE TEABLES
totibani: AND TAKE MANEY
totibani: THE F DO

“totibani” further proposed that they communicate their hands to each other “ON MASSENGER” to get the drop on the other players. Unsurprisingly, “lolepicfailimo” declined this near-incomprehensible offer and reported the user to PokerStars security. Michael Josem from the PokerStars Game Security Team provided further lols when he replied via email with hilarious understatement:

To put it mildly, it seems unlikely that a player of his nature is likely to be particularly successful if he did try to collude, given the chat involved here. However, this sort of behaviour is entirely unacceptable and I will ensure that appropriate action is taken.

We've condensed our reporting of this incident to save space, but you can read the original in all its glory on the Twoplustwo forums here.

 1    Bing Blang Blaow

 

While internet poker can be an entertaining and profitable venture, its practitioners sometimes complain of boredom and a lack of interaction with other people. Forum dweller “ch3ckraise” revealed in 2008 that he had discovered a way of livening up his 50NL heads-up poker grind. He composed a song, which he typed in chat whenever he stacked an adversary:

ch3ckraise: BING BLANG BLAOW
ch3ckraise: CH3CK RAISE IN THA HOUSE
ch3ckraise: I JUST WON $50.00 FROM YOU
ch3ckraise: U COULD HAVE USED IT TO BUY SOME FOOD
ch3ckraise: BUT YOU CANT NOW
ch3ckraise: CUZ IMMA CASH IT OUT
ch3ckraise: AND RUB IT ON MY TITT1ES

Rather than just reciting this litany verbatim, our hero enjoyed mixing it up a bit especially by adding extra lines to the end of the incantation. Some notable variations were:


ch3ckraise: AND RUB IT ON MY TITT1ES
ch3ckraise: (CASH OUT ON MY TITT1ES)

We like this addition because it's basically a rephrasing of the conclusion, enclosed in parentheses to indicate that it's an elaboration on the final phrase of the song rather than another separate action.


ch3ckraise: AND RUB IT ON MY TITT1ES
ch3ckraise: $50 > BANKWIRE > ATM > TITT1ES

Here, “ch3ckraise” illuminates the cashout process quite simply and succinctly so as to remove all doubt as to the movement of his recently acquired $50 boon from opponent's stack to his own “TITT1ES.”

After graduating to 100NL, “ch3ckraise” altered the line “I JUST WON $50.00 FROM YOU” to “I JUST WON $100 FROM U (AKA $50 TIMES TWO),” which has a nice rhyming scansion to it. He also started incorporating supporting information into his “performance”:

ch3ckraise: BING BLANG BLAOW
ch3ckraise: Dear ch3ckraise,
ch3ckraise: We are pleased to inform you that all necessary documentation is on file and your withdrawal request for $100.00 has been approved.
ch3ckraise: Your payout will be processed as a bankwire to checking account number XXXXXXXX87.
ch3ckraise: DOCUMENTS ON FILE
ch3ckraise: CASH ON T1TTIES

The reactions of other players to “ch3ckraise's” expressions of joy were variable:

JohnnyDeep: a/s/l?

tilted1: wtf

play4funn: whats wrong with u

P0kerchick76: reported

WilliamP75: weirdo

“Bing Blang Blaow” is the poker chat gift that keeps on giving. Besides spawning a thread with more than 2,300 posts, it has also inspired a music video, received televised shout-outs from big-name poker pros, and even led to the creation of a parody video referencing the works of Edgar Allen Poe. Yes, really.

For its originality, flexibility, widespread popularity, and just plain wackiness, we crown “Bing Blang Blaow” the funniest example of online poker chat ever.


There you have it – our compilation of the 10 poker chat conversations that put the biggest smiles on our faces. Have you come across one that you think we missed? Do you disagree with our selections? Post your thoughts in the comments section below.

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